The end of Light year Is an existential nightmare
Besides the idea of sensible everyday objects that silently watch us undress every day – and also the philosophical questions raised by Forky’s existence – the toy story movies in general are not filled with existential terror. But the same cannot be said of Light yearwhich, as we all know by now, is the (implausibly healthy) movie-within-a-movie adored by Buzz and Woody’s child overlord, Andy.
The start of Light year finds the titular Space Ranger screwing up and dropping his crew on a distant planet. In order to fix this grave mistake, he continually troubleshoots a new hyperspace drive to get them all home – resulting in a time dilation hiccup, meaning that every time Buzz performs a test flight, decades pass for everyone. So depressing, all of his closest friends eventually wither away and die in his absence. Again, it’s a fucking toy story film.
Most missed, however, is the third-act twist involving the evil Emperor Zurg, who historically has always been simply a generic enemy, a la Darth Vader, in the world of Buzz Lightning franchise. But in Light yearwe learn that Zurg is really… Buzz Lightyear Himself? Or, more specifically, an older version of Buzz from the future who has found a way to time travel. “Zurg” has a plan to go back even further in time and save himself from abandoning his crew in the first place.
Buzz disagrees, realizing it will erase generations of people in existence. Thus, the third act of the film literally involves Buzz fight against himselflike he was Bruce Willis in one of many movies. Light year seems to be about the importance of learning from your mistakes and coming to terms with your own human fallibility – which is why Buzz’s Enemy is a literal manifestation of his own bitter inability to forgive himself. Which is pretty intense for a movie that’s ultimately about a seven-inch plastic man.
Related: 4 Ways The ‘Toy Story’ Movies Were A Behind-The-Scenes Nightmare
Clifford the big red dog is nearly vivisected by a biotech company
Clifford the big red dog bring the kind/creepy blood red pooch on the big screen with a story about… an evil biotech company? Yeah, despite the fact that Clifford grows in proportion to how much he is like, his bizarre actions catch the eye of the CEO of Lyfegro, a company intent on breaking into the science of giant food production via ethically questionable experiments that involve playing God and messing with DNA. Why exactly did they make a two headed goat, for example, is never fully explained.
Lyfregro eventually gets wind of Clifford and conspires to kidnap him. Why? Because his growing powers – which, remember, are meant to be magical – are also apparently a quantifiable genetic abnormality that can be exploited for profit. Lyfegrow convinces the cops that Clifford is their property, prompting the police chief to call for the capture of Clifford the Big Red Dog by summoning “the unofficial slogan of post-9/11 America” for some confusing reason.
Beethoven – I mean, Clifford is taken to a secret facility and ultimately rescued by his family seemingly moments before he is about to be vivisected by curious scientists. This seems especially crazy considering it’s all based on a children’s book based on the simple idea that “a big, colorful dog would be fun to ride” is an appealing sentiment for a children’s bedtime story.
They free Clifford, along with all the other captive mutant animals – who immediately start attacking everyone.
It’s really just a musical cue far from being a full-fledged horror movie.
Related: How a Biotech Company Almost Killed the World (With Alcohol)
sonic the hedgehog 2 – Federal agents ruin a woman’s life
Continuing the story of everyone’s favorite blue, hedgehog-like alien (likely powered by cocaine), sonic the hedgehog 2 naturally has a lot of peculiar story elements – not the least of which is the reveal that Knuckles’ entire family was murdered by Sonic’s adoptive family of giant imperialist owls.
Also disturbing: the B story involves a marriage between Rachel (the adoptive sister of Sonic’s human mother) and her fiancé Randall. While this all sounds pretty typical, albeit stressful, about halfway through the movie, Sonic and Tails go through a portal, prompting all of the wedding guests, Rachel’s fiancé, and even the priest to pull out guns. Yes, it turns out they’re all part of a new task force known as the Guardian Units of Nations (or GUN for short), working on a mission to capture Sonic dubbed “Operation Catfish.”
Yeah, an agent went undercover as a random woman’s boyfriend, pretended to fall in love with her, probably had sex a couple of times, and even agreed to get married, all because there was a slim chance it would one day lead to Sonic the Hedgehog’s arrest. We’re pretty sure there was no button combination in the Sega game that would end up emotionally traumatizing an innocent woman for no good reason.
Related: Not Only ‘Sonic The Hedgehog’ Didn’t Suck, Sonic 2 Could Be Better
Fantastic Beasts: Dumbledore’s Secrets Is about voter fraud and teenage pregnancy
What was once the simple story of a boy wizard who fled an abusive home for an extremely dangerous boarding school has now yielded an extremely convoluted prequel series; the last Harry Potter spin off, Fantastic Beasts: Dumbledore’s Secrets, is less about the magical adventures of wizards and more about the rise of fascism in the 1930s? Oh, and the titular “secrets of Dumbledore” are that he A) may have accidentally killed his own sister, and B) knew his brother had impregnated his teenage girlfriend and the resulting baby was the killer monster. of smoke played by (sigh) Ezra Miller.
But most of the movie is about Dumbledore’s ex, Grindelwald, and his plan to rig an important election, which involves flight the magical creature that determines the next (heavy sigh) supreme Mugwump of the wizarding world. See if you can pick up the film’s subtle visual references to 1930s German authoritarianism…
Apparently wizards don’t vote for their leader, they all leave it to Qilin, who has the ability to detect which candidate is a fool and which isn’t. It’s basically like we’re using Groundhog Day rules to decide federal elections — which, come to think of it, is slightly less stupid than the electoral college system.
But Grindelwald finds a way to cheat by killing and resurrecting the Qilin, which becomes under his control – and somehow no one in this world where everyone uses powerful magic spells around the clock, 7 days a week, never anticipated anyone would try to use Magic cheat in an election? Seriously?
This places the protagonists in unfortunate position of having to storm the wizarding capital to stop the peaceful transfer of power, with only cockamamie conspiracy theories about voter fraud as evidence.
But nobody really talks about it cause it’s like the 500th the dumbest thing JK Rowling has done this year.
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Thumbnail: Paramount Pictures